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The Family Christmas Letter

‘Tis the season, right? In comes the floods of cards and letters from your friends and families with their pictures and the letters. The family Christmas letter. In the last decade or two it has replaced the card. It’s now the way to sum up all that has happened during the previous year. Because just wishing you the best for the coming year wasn’t getting it done. And food and little league and school pictures on social media weren’t enough either. The family Christmas letter is that place that puts a neat red and green bow on the whole year.

But, oh, the pressure! One of my favorite sayings for RAD families is , “Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s highlight reel.” And never is that more true than receiving the family Christmas letter. Have you done it? You open it up and your heart sinks. Here’s how it goes:

Bob and Trish both had amazing years. Bob got a promotion (AGAIN!) And Trish was named volunteer of the year in the county school system. She chaired the Fall fest, the Spring fest, the prom, graduation, the boosters. And she raised the most money of any parent in all the fundraisers! Little Sophie is already on pointe in ballet at three years old. And Bobby Jr. is being scouted by the Cardinals from his all-star performance little league this year. He’s getting straight A’s in fifth grade and has made his commitment to Christ at Our Lade of Heavenly Perfection Church. We are so proud…

Whew!

Now of course this is a huge exaggeration but doesn’t it feel that way sometimes? Doesn’t it feel like everyone else is living a life that just sails along so smoothly with children that never have any troubles? The biggest thing to remember is that it’s really not happening that way. These families are not living these perfect lives all day, every day. And while you may want to run away and get adopted by them, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

If you were a fly on the wall in one of those “perfect” family homes, I am sure you would hear some disagreements. I’m sure you would hear the children get in trouble. And of course I am sure you would hear stress and anxiety in the voices of the parents. Because no parent can go through life without worrying. It comes with the job. Yes, a lot of it has to do with our children. But a lot of it also has to do with how we choose to respond to that stress and anxiety as well.

So what can we do? It’s December 13th and we may not have one decoration up or one gift bought. Maybe you haven’t sent any cards and the thought of doing a whole letter give you a headache. You know what? That’s OK. Keeping up with the Joneses isn’t your job. Having the perfect house with the perfect tree or perfect Menorah and table might make you feel a little better but it’s not the most important thing that’s necessary for your holiday.

Do you need to send a letter that ducks the reality of your RAD family life and paints a rosy picture of your lives? Of course not. Don’t send one at all if you don’t want to. I haven’t sent one in a while. Of course I have this blog so anyone who wants to know what’s going on can just peek in here! You don’t have to compete with anyone and you don’t owe the world some white-washed summary of your life. You are raising traumatized kiddos and fighting everyday for the healing of their little minds. That’s your successful year. Don’t worry about whether or not anyone else thinks it means you’re not doing anything. The people in your life who matter know. Your children.

Until next time,

Shannon

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Does Your RAD Child Do Sports?

Having a RAD kiddo involved in extracurricular activities is several blog posts worth of conversation. The pros and cons of whether to and how to have a lot to unpack. But I wanted to focus on this particular question…does your RAD child do sports? Because sports had a special set of potential pitfalls for the RAD kiddo that some other activities do not.

As we have discussed, our RAD kiddos are control freaks. They want things to happen when they want, how they want and the way they want. This makes team sports especially difficult when selfless play is valued or it’s the policy of the league that everyone get a chance to play. And they may not be on board with all the rules the coach requires be followed for practices, particularly if you are also dealing with additional ADHD or ODD disorders.

Then there’s the impulsivity side of RAD. Sports which don’t have constant motion like baseball or football or track can be difficult for a child who may not be able to control his impulses for action or outbursts. Sitting for long periods of time or standing in an outfield may not match a child prone to unchecked impulsive behaviors. Riding on a bus to an away game may be difficult for a child who cannot keep their hands to themselves.

August is naturally athletic. Has been since he was little. He has boundless energy and is extremely coordinated. And fearless. And he wanted to do everything. Baseball, swimming, basketball, ice hockey, you name it. But he didn’t want to learn any of it. He loved ice skating and was very good. He wanted to play hockey but we told him the league required that he take lessons to learn how to play the game and learn the rules. August said he knew how to play. We said it didn’t matter, that was the rule; he wouldn’t budge and never played hockey.

He was good at basketball but he was a ball hog. He was good at baseball but not the best on any team and quit because he kept getting put in the outfield. August thought he was better than the other kids on his team. We had some good success with lacrosse. It very closely matched his favorite non-sport activity which was whacking at things with sticks. And it was constant motion. But his off the field behavior finally got in the way of that as we had to move him to a school with no team. And eventually to a treatment center.

So, what is the answer? Of course, as with everything, you know your RAD kiddo the best. What is doable this year may not be next year and vice versa. But of course it starts with excellent conversation. If your child is young and wants to be on a city soccer team, it may mean a parent steps up to assistant coach. If that’s not an option, then an in-depth conversation with the coach is necessary so they understand your child and their particular issues. Not as a warning, but as a way to continue the treatment you provide. Make sure the language is the same from all the adults who interact with your RAD kiddo. Same as you have with teachers.

Also, consider which sports might be easiest. For August, I thought sports where he was an individual contributor but in a team environment might be best. Swimming, track (except for the down time), golf, tennis (more whacking!). Of course, things got bad before we could ever explore those avenues (though we did do golf lessons) but that always made the most sense to me.

Whatever sports your child chooses, make sure you are their biggest cheerleader on the sidelines and support their dreams. Seeing you rooting for them will be a great boost in your bond!

Until next time,

Shannon

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When you get “that” phone call…

It took about two weeks most years for me to have the phone number of August’s school memorized so that when it appeared on my phone I knew who was calling. And you all know that feeling. You may be shopping, working, at the gym, anywhere when you get “that” phone call. And your breath gets tight and your skin crawls and you think just a bit about whether or not to answer. Right?

I confess, I have not answered more than once. Just to have a couple minutes to collect myself. And then called back and apologized. Because I just couldn’t get hit with whatever “it” is. Maybe I’d go sit in my car if I was somewhere in public, just in case. But I didn’t want to be blindsided always by whatever was on the other side of that phone.

So what could happen when you get “that” phone call? Well it could be anything like the simple, “Your child forgot their lunch” or, “Your child isn’t feeling well.” But with our RAD kiddos there is an equal likelihood that it’s something way more complicated. With August it was the interesting things he chose to bring to school like the pocket knife and the water bottle full of vodka. Or the behaviors like looking in the women’s restroom or run-of-the-mill anger. Then there were some bigger issues like the stolen cell phone or when he ran away from the residential treatment center.

So what do you do when you get “that” phone call? I think there were days when we immediately would have sided with our child and blamed the teacher. Or sided with the teacher and blamed the child. But those of us with RAD kiddos know that nothing with our children is that clear cut. Ideally, you have established a close relationship with your child’s teachers so that when situations occur, communication is easy. And hopefully, your child’s teachers have an understanding of their behavior and can put the incident in that context.

The key here is this is where all your work at the beginning of the school year pays off. And if it hasn’t been done yet, now is the time to get it done. For example, I was working as a substitute teacher a couple of weeks ago in a high school social studies class. There was a student who was giving me a lot of back talk from the moment I walked in. Now I’m not saying he was a RAD kiddo, but he did remind me a lot of August. This kept up until he asked to go to the bathroom. I said yes at which point he took all his books and left. I asked the class if he was coming back and they said probably not so I notified the Dean who let me know later they had him.

At the end of the day he came back to the room and apologized. He said he knew he wasn’t doing well so he left. He apparently has medication that he takes and he knew he needed some. I told him I understood and that I had a son very much like him. What I wish I’d been able to suggest but couldn’t is why didn’t he have a behavior plan that gave him the opportunity to leave without the chance of getting into trouble. The class knew him as a trouble-maker. There was no information from the teacher. He didn’t have any “out” to help him. I was pleased he knew himself enough to remove himself from the situation but I wish he had some support to make it easier for him.

Hopefully when you get “that” phone call you will already have the relationship that will allow you to process whatever prompted the call in the context of RAD and your child’s unique behaviors. If not, consider this your open door. One of the reasons we moved August between third and fourth grades was that he was labeled in his prior school by a teacher who wouldn’t work with us. Getting teachers informed and knowledgeable about RAD generally and your child specifically is critical to a successful partnership in handling behavior.

Of utmost importance is for the teacher to understand that you know RAD doesn’t excuse your child’s behaviors; it explains them. And you’re not using this illness to let your child get away with anything. Here’s a very good article for teachers on how to deal with a traumatized child. It may be a good reference for starting a conversation with your child’s teacher. Don’t be afraid of the phone…it’s all part of the process.

Until next time,

Shannon

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Setting Up A Family Contract

Just the title of this blog may make you shudder a little, particularly if you have teen RAD kiddos. It’s important to find ways to set boundaries and establish rules and maybe when ongoing conversations are hard, a contract can help. A contract or agreement or plan can take away some of the drama or confusion surrounding expectations. So setting up a family contract where you get buy in from the entire family can make for a less stressful family life.

When August was in elementary school, we would have battles over clothing. Our first family contract came about clothes! I couldn’t deal with it anymore so our agreement became this: what he wears has to be clean, it has to be occasion appropriate, it has to be weather appropriate. After that, I didn’t have a say. Unless it was a major event or holiday. Then I pulled rank.

We certainly had a contract when he got his first phone. He had time limits. There was a GPS on it and he knew that if I ever looked for him on the find my phone app and he had turned it off the phone was gone.

Now let me clarify. These aren’t the same as chore charts or weekly behavior expectations where kiddos get stickers every day they set the table. For one, RAD kiddos are all about control and immediate gratification which makes these tools not so effective. These are broader agreements covering bigger issues. Which should trickle down into the everyday activities. That’s the hope!

“A little bit” may have a different definition in our world!

There are some great samples out there that I found which you can customize to work for your family. Here are a bunch. The idea is to come to an agreement before the fight over the subject can begin! I can’t promise this will solve every issue. But if you approach each topic with respecting your kiddos opinions and giving them some control over the outcome (within reason), then you are more likely to get buy-in and ultimately compliance.

The key then is, how do you approach these conversations? Of course, the expectation is that your RAD kiddo will try and ask for the moon. And will want to control everything while agreeing to nothing. That’s the RAD way, right? I think the important part it to make sure it’s a low-stress conversation that’s focused on the goals, not the process. If it feels like rules being imposed, you’re going to get immediate push back. Call it a contract, call it a plan, call it an agreement; whatever will sound the best for your children’s understanding.

Then when you enter into this agreement, you all have to have “skin in the game”. This can’t just be you telling your kiddos what you want them to do. You have to make promises of what you will do also. Remember, it’s called a “Family contract” and all the members of the family have to have responsibilities to make it work. So you have to think about what you’re going to own up to, what you’re going to promise (no yelling, some levels of freedom, getting that family pet, etc.).

This can be the start of great family conversations and healthy interactions. Once you set the stage, let everyone know that anyone can initiate a family agreement. It puts everyone in the mindset of leveling the playing field and treating each other equally and with respect.

Until next time,

Shannon

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Who are your child’s friends?

Sometimes RAD kiddos who don’t want to bond with anyone seem yet able to make attachments. But are they the right ones? It’s not always easy to figure out how children make the choices they do or why. But friendships are important for a child’s development. Here is a great article that talks about how it happens and about why it matters. So it can be good to know…who are your child’s friends?

August is very charming. He has a big personality and never had trouble drawing other children to him. From pre-school on he always had friends. However, it was kindergarten when I started to notice he had a gift for attracting the bad influence in any group situation. The child in his class with the spiked hair and frosted tips was like a magnetic for August. He was too cool for school and August worshiped him. It wasn’t a pattern yet but I wish I had noticed the way he was mesmerized by that child’s style because I would have known what to watch out for down the road. But five-year-olds aren’t that scary. And it can get much scarier.

As he moved through elementary school he always seemed to make friends. He had a friend who was Mormon. The seventh of nine children. This is the first child I saw August try to control. I think he was susceptible due to growing up with so many older siblings. But August had the intuition and was able to capitalize on it.

After we moved to North Carolina he made friends very quickly. As I mentioned in a prior post, the first day of school he came off the bus with a friend who he remained close to for years. But because we had to move him out of his neighborhood school, it became hard to keep friendships with the local kids. And making friends with kids at a school where kids come from all over the city was equally complicated. But he did pretty good at having friends though all the trouble he got into was by himself.

Some of his attempts to have friends came off as showing off. He didn’t have much, if any, interest in learning. His way to “fit in” was to carry around the biggest hard bound books he could find. And when taking tests if he couldn’t get the answers right he would rather be first. So he would always finish his test way ahead of anyone else.

Middle school was such a whirlwind of change that I don’t really know what to say about it. He was in sixth grade for half a year until he got in trouble and we pulled him out and I homeschooled him. We did have a good homeschool community where we lived so he did have the opportunity to spend time with other children. After a year of that, we tried putting him back into public school but that proved a disaster which ended with his bringing a water bottle full of vodka to school. That was another attempt to show off to some other kids. He was continuing to find the kids who would get him in trouble no matter where he went.

After this school attempt was the 16 months in residential treatment. It seems like maybe everyone in there would be a bad influence but there were definitely some at the extremes. And yes, August found those. The ones that set off the smoke alarms, the ones that convinced him to run away. I’m not saying he wasn’t culpable in these but he certainly was good at finding partners in crime.

Then there was high school. The first attempt was a private school designed for students who have behavioral issues. Small school, small classes, seemed like the perfect environment. He immediately found one student who thought like he did. Yes, another partner in crime. And in less than a year he’d been expelled. A new city and a new high school found new friends with whom he skipped school on a regular basis. And from there we were off to the races. The wheels fell off completely after that and the rest, as they say, is history.

It’s always good to know who your child’s friends are. They will have an influence on how your child acts. And your child will have an affect on them. The same manipulation and controlling you see used on you can be used on their peers. So don’t be surprised if they lose friends or if you hear from parents. August did have a hard time with friends who would go periods not wanting to be around him. He sometimes had to be taken in small doses.

This is another aspect of RAD that just doesn’t show up in the same way with every child. But it will take some vigilance on your part to try and surround your child with the friends who will help them feel secure and validated. Here is an article with ideas about what to do when your child has a friend who is maybe a bad influence. And teach your child how to be a good friend and try and make sure that happens.

Until next time,

Shannon